The impulsive bonsai

I ended up with a bonsai tree in the same way I ended up playing the trumpet as a kid: through impulse rather than judgment. One of my colleagues had been given one of these little trees by a company (Direct Line, as I remember – not sure what that had to do with bonsai) as a Christmas present. Usually such sleaze goes into a charity raffle at the Guardian, but such was the tenderness of the tiny tree, already wilting in the stifling atmosphere of the Guardian newsroom that I bought a load of raffle tickets and got the tree in return. I managed to cradle the tree on the packed commuter train, then dumped it unceremoniously in the centrally-heated surrounds of my coffee table. It started to look pretty sad from the start: the minuscule leaves accumulated in drifts on the blond wood surfaces. A quick net search identified my new charge as Ulmus parvifolia, or the Chinese elm.

Unlike the light responsibility of care required when taking on a regular houseplant: something like an aspidistra, tradescantia or dracaena, a bonsai is a little like a marriage: a supposedly lifelong commitment that requires regular and wearisome maintenance and can collapse without warning at any time.

Fortunately, as husbands go, the Chinese elm is relatively low-maintenance: sitting in an unheated porch, it has quickly revived. Watering from below, a semi-shaded spot outside during the summer and careful pruning should mean I'm in my grave before my elm keels over.

Overall, though, if you're a beginner thinking about buying a bonsai: don’t. There are so many more immediately rewarding and ultimately reliable plants to try: for instant results, a large dish of dramatically-shaped succulents - such as sempervivum - is usually a success. If you don't overwater them, there's only a small chance that you'll manage to kill them: whereas with bonsai, if you kill one, it could be either expensive or time-consuming to acquire another.

Comments

[Caberoony]

Hi Jane
I wholeheartedly concur with your comments about first time plant buyers heading for the bonsai... they certainly defy the odds (I mean who would of thought a cedar tree could survive in something the size of one's coffee cup) long term... but BORING...to the max !!
Regards, The Flying Caberoony x